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Tonight we will finish up our Stronger Conference at Jubilee.  I have to admit that I was not as excited as I’ve been about other conferences we’ve had.  On Wednesday night as the worship team was doing our sound check I felt a heavy opposition in the spirit.  I don’t normally pick up on things like that, but I did that night.  Then as the conference went on I found that I was getting really irritated at the smallest things, mainly things people said that rubbed me the wrong way.  By Thursday night I was ready to walk away - from the worship team, the church, I didn’t want relationships in the church, and I didn’t want to walk back into the church at all.  I was done trying to fit in, trying to fulfill what I felt I was called to do.  I was tired of being discouraged instead of encouraged.  I was tired of the desires of my heart not being taken seriously.  Then on Friday night Kevin Leal played a song called “City on a Hill” by Casting Crowns.  The song and his message that night awakened something in me because that is exactly where I was - I was ready to run away, my mind made up, and to leave everything.  I went home Friday and began to pray and asked God what on Earth all that stuff had been about.  He said that the things people said that irritated me was just surface stuff.  There was something deeper going on.  You see, the worship team is what has kept me connected TO the church and its what has kept me connect IN the church.  And if Satan can disconnect me from the worship team, then he can disconnect me from the church.  And if he can get me disconnected from the church then I will disconnect from God and I will never fulfill my purpose or destiny.  My heart is all about worship - I love worship.  I love to sing.  I’ve served on the worship team for 5 years, and my heart’s desire has been to be trained to co-lead.  Not necessarily lead a whole service but to be able to grow and advance in that area.  And it hasn’t happened.  So what God said next was really hard for me to hear.  He said, “Your heart is full of worship, and you love it, but I haven’t called you to lead worship.  That’s not your purpose or your destiny.  Your purpose and destiny is to get the book printed and into the hands of the women who need to read it.  Its to give your testimony so those in the abortion industry and the law makers that make abortion possible will hear the truth - THAT is  your destiny!”  I’ve been so focused on worship team and what I HAVEN’T seen happen in that area that I have neglected what God has designed for me to do.  And Satan doesn’t want that to happen.  So if he can disconnect me from the team, from the church, from God, I will loose my strength and the fire to do what I’m called to.  It may have just been me, but when Kevin played that song Friday the direction of this conference took a turn and something happened. There were destiny’s hanging in the balance at the beginning of this conference.  I’m not saying I have it all figured out, but God certainly has my attention.

I have recently learned the power behind being obedient to what God says.  I had always been a stay-at-home mom and never pursued a career, until 2004.  I graduated nursing school in 2007 with the sole intention of using my nursing degree in the mission field.  When I was faced with divorce, I used that nursing degree as a means of making a living.  If you know anything about nursing then you know the difference between the pay of a hospital staff nurse and a Director of Nursing!  Not to mention I had only been a nurse for 3 years.  Most nurses are YEARS into their career before they are even OFFERED such a position.  So that was my first blessing.  With the responsibility of paying bills and putting groceries on the table resting solely on myself, fear began to creep in when it came to tithing.    I was very inconsistent with my tithing, giving when I had enough left over or giving when I had extra income.  Then, I heard an amazing message on tithing from a man we all know and love - Pastor Earon James!  I think I went from sitting upright in my chair at the beginning of his message to the floor at the end of his message!  In all seriousness, it was a very humbling and thought provoking message.  A couple of Sundays later as I sat with a tithing envelope in my hand, I thought “If I tithe what I’m suppose to tithe I won’t make it until next payday.  The money will run out.”  I clearly heard God say, “Karen, just do it!”  So I paid my tithe.  I checked my mail the following Tuesday morning on my way to work.  I had received an unexpected check for $2 over and above what I had tithed.  Now, as blessed as I was by that I was quick to note two things:  1 - God most likely will not do this EVERY TIME I tithe, and 2 - the significance of the check was not the amount, but the statement God was making.  If we JUST DO IT and obey Him, He will always be faithful to us - no matter what.  Following that week, I received a call that I was being transferred in my job from Crestview to Pensacola!  While that doesn’t mean an increase in my base pay, it does mean a bigger quarterly bonus based on patient census.  And today I thought “I will save over $200 a month in gas!”  Then God said, “So - what do you plan on doing with the money you will be saving?”  I began to think about it.  I’ve always wanted to support Father’s Heart Ministries, Kevin Leal’s ministry, and I’ve wanted to give to the expense of the worship team I am a part of.  But if I give to each of them every month I wouldn’t be giving very much.  God said to me, “It isn’t the amount of the offering, but the heart behind it!”  Have you been blessed to give more?  Over and above your tithe?  Then JUST DO IT! 

The last few weeks I’ve felt like there is something missing on the inside of me, something I need.  I’ve spent a lifetime trying to fill voids and numb emotions with things other than God.  Our services at the Jube lately have centered around needing God more, touching Him more, needing Him to do something in our lives. Tonight I told God that I needed “something” but I don’t know WHAT it is I need.  I just know that something is missing and I have an overwhelming desire to be closer to Him and it just seems like I can never get there.  As I was telling Him this, He said, “I know EXACTLY what it is you need and I’m taking care of it.”  I have a habit of trying analyze everything.  Why do I feel this way?  Why is this happening?  How can I fix it?  Sometimes we may never know, or God may reveal it to us just as He is giving us that one thing we need so desperately.  I’ve had to come to a place where I am just willing to sit back and let God be who He is and do what it is He needs to do.  For me, its allowing Him to heal those places I’ve tried to ignore, the places I’ve locked Him out of, and to fulfill whatever this is on the inside of me that I feel I so desperately need.  Psalm 37:5 in the Message says, “Open up before God, keep nothing back; He’ll do whatever needs to be done.”

We can not fulfill God’s purpose for our lives without confidence.  If Satan can can get our confidence down then he never has to mess with our destiny, because without confidence we’ll never get there anyway.  Philippians 4:13 tells us we CAN do all things through Christ!  Apart from Him we can do nothing, but we can be confident that through Him all things are possible.  Are you confident?

(I’ve been watching Beth Moore!!!)